Is the Boyle about to Burst?

He's the love spawn of an illicit manage toi between the Scottish folk rock brothers The Proclaimers and the filthy bear of Bo' Selecta comedy show fame. Yes, I'm talking about the visceral and vitriolic Glaswegian comedian Frankie Boyle of BBC2's show, Mock The Week. His dark humour is always hilarious, frequently cringe worthy and at times extremely close to the bone. So much so that I'm sure each outburst has the arse cheeks of all but the bravest of BBC lawyers well and truly clenched.

However some of his fiery red faced rants are delivered with so much passion and scorn that I do fear for the poor man's well being. Just how many episodes before he explodes like Krakatoa into a never ending tirade of bile, venom and hate? Maybe it's time the BBC does with him as it has done with many well loved but threadbare stars and put Frankie out to pasture in the comparatively sleepy fields of daytime telly? In anticipation I've put together a couple programming suggestions...

The Frankie Boyle Show would be an obvious morning choice. In many respects it would in fact mimic The Jeremy Kyle Show. He'd goad, snipe at, and belittle his cerebrally challenged guests but, and here's the twist, without the thinly veiled pretence at compassion, empathy or emotional support that the slime-ball Kyle claims to offer.

Or how about a literal twist to the show Flog It, this time pandering to Middle England's desire for retributive justice? Boyle could tour the length and breadth of Britain armed with a cat-o-nine-tails, stopping here and there to publicly strip bare then administer a good hard whipping to the local toe rags and ne'er-do-wells.

Last but not least, how about a radical make over of the show Cash in the Attic called Crap in the Attic with a devilishly simple format. Frankie is invited into the homes of those tabloid reading halfwits with an unhealthy infatuation with all things celebrity and... well... with their starry eyed blessing, he craps in their attic!

So Auntie Beeb, I implore you to commission one of the above shows. If not there's a real risk that our beloved Boyle explodes like a puss spewing carbuncle on the bum of the BBC!

We Love Telly... Savalas

Bring back Kojak! Today’s British crime dramas seem particularly dull and downbeat by comparison.

Given her sterling performance in the now decommissioned Prime Suspect, I reckon our national treasure Helen Mirren should be cast as the lollipop licking detective lieutenant in a British remake of this top American cult classic. A sharp trouser suit, some chunky shades and a trip to Tony and Guys' for a short back and sides is all that's needed to turn our Queen of film into the sharp talking no nonsense King of crime.

Hey Helen - "Who loves ya Baby?"

Scrumptious Butcher Meat

Ok, I admit it, I have a thing for Pat Evans (nee Butcher) of Eastenders fame. I know she's mutton dressed as mutton but I can't help it, she's just lovely! She's strong and dominant (just like my other lady love, Maggie Thatcher) but with a heart of the purest gold and the largest hoop earrings, so tacky they'd even make Gerald Ratner shudder.

There's one 'enders episode in question I play over and over again in my slumber. I dream I'm the lovable rough Frank Butcher standing there at Fat Pat's back door completely starkers bar a rotating dickie bow in an attempt to win her affection.

"Pat, take me back Pat. Please take me back Pat. I love you!"

But in my dreams... she never does... I plead and beg but she never does.

Dare you enter the Donkey's Den?

Well, our beloved Dragons' Den is back on the box!

Apologies if you think my title a little disrespectful but I hope I'm not as rude as I first appear. In fact donkeys are really rather intelligent creatures and just like the millionaire entrepreneurs, are more than a little stubborn and very likely to administer a good hard kick when backed into a corner.

But donkeys do have a way about them that's a bit... well... should I say goofy and this is exactly how I see the programmes investors. In the early series the dragons came across as hard nosed business folk there in the main to make astute financial investments. Today however the dragons seem more interested in the amount of quick quips and cheesy puns they can trot out in the hour long show than the potential investment opportunities.

Don't get me wrong, I do really enjoy the show still, mainly because of the plethora of ridiculous business ideas brought to the den by some of the dumbest people. But for me, Dragons' Den has become just another reality game-show, this time with ridiculously rich donkeys on the one side and mainly hopeless asses on the other.

Whose Whine Is It Anyway?

I must admit I haven't watched Eastenders in a little while so please excuse me if I'm a little behind the curve but I was rather surprised to see that Josie Lawrence of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" fame has joined the bunch of Cockney whinge bags on the square. I thought it a rather odd casting but having had a bit of a think about it, I see it as a rather astute move by BBC management. Given the budget constraints on the Beeb, what better cost cutting measure than to ditch the writers and have the cast improvise the plot themselves?

Dear Auntie Beeb, may I be so bold as to make some other casting suggestions to aid you in your cutting of costs? How's about Paul Merton as a replacement for that slime ball Ian Beale. Clive Anderson would make a great bullyboy Phil Mitchell and Sandy Toxvig a sterling choice for busty barmaid Peggy Mitchell, with the help of a bumper set of prosthetic breasts of course.

Caught with my pants up!

Well, Mr Clarkson can now be safe in the knowledge that for the near future anyway, I shall be fully clothed whilst watching him perform on his top show. The missus returned a tad earlier than expected to find me sat in my grundies nursing a can McEwans Export. Needless to say she wasn't best pleased with my attire especially as she had the mother-in-law in tow. However I do think her reaction was a little over the top as the pants I was wearing were what I would consider to be one of my top pairs. Hmm, it must be something else I'd done. The socks I was wearing? My days of the week socks? Ah, Tuesday socks on a Sunday... that must be it... I was wearing Tuesday socks on a Sunday!

When pants isn't pants!

My wife's out for the evening so I'm having the pleasure of watching Top Gear in nothing more than my undercrackers. I wonder if Clarkson ever gives the attire of his viewers a second thought when he's filming?